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Ouya Preview: The future of video games

Sit down, grab a Coke, and get ready to witness the next yawn-inducing leap in technology.

Electricity. Water. Toilets  These are all great inventions made by mankind and have changed our very existence for the better. Now, the Ouya, a groundbreaking new way of playing boring cellphone titles.

It all starts within a box, no bigger than a mug. The bottom has ghetto cut marks to simulate vents. A fan is also used to push out the very small amounts of heat those weak games will generate. It’s portable. In fact, so portable, you can pick it up and take it to your friend’s house to show them how well you can stupidly waste your own money.

“I’ve always wanted to play Android and iPhone games on my big screen,” says No One Ever. “I’ll totally play this more than my other gaming consoles.”

Each Ouya is encased in a block of ice and will have to be frozen every 14 minutes.

Each Ouya is encased in a block of ice and will have to be frozen every 14 minutes.

The Ouya will easily place itself against the big dogs with exclusive titles like Balloon Buster 1, Balloon Buster 2, and the highly anticipated Fruit Samurai Slicer. It’ll also support the dying OnLive service and four real games. While the system is open and promotes “hacking”, the developers don’t expect any lawsuits for allowing piracy on their systems.

The controller looks like one of those Madcatz controllers your friend forces you to play on with only two working buttons. Its uncomfortable design brings on the cramping faster than any other control on the market. After three minutes of game time, new AA batteries need to be swapped out.

Watch out, Sony. Prepare yourself, Microsoft. Hide your children, Nintendo.

With the power of an average cellphone, the Ouya will take about 0.0000001 percent of the consumer pie.

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