Because you eventually have to leave your mother’s basement to buy another case of Mountain Dew.Unless you are smart enough to order it online with the welfare check you don’t deserve. You useless little shit. Why not spend that money the smart way on a Earthbound manpurse? Or how about brand new plastic sword that smells like the factory it was made in? Just because you spend the majority of your life preforming useless task doesn’t mean you can’t look the part!
That’s why we at The Awkward Glitch have spent hours studying the typical useless gamer, and have came away with what looks best when the snow is on the ground. Take a look below, and try not to buy too many items. You’ll want to save money for all those free games you are going to pirate.
The summer was a terrible time to wear fedoras. It didn’t mesh well with the greasy hair, and causes more sweating. Who needs that? Now that it’s colder and the sweat freezes on your skin instead of pooling on your shirt, you’ll need all the heat absorption you can get without being in the heat. We understand that the sun is your mortal enemy, along with girls and hard work.
Nothing makes a boring sack of skin look like a stud like a fedora. It installs an 1920’s era look without all that prohibition non-sense. Plus, the flaps will hide every part unkempt hair if it’s on the shorter side.
Grab one that has patterns for maximum douchebaggery.
Only a cold, icy death awaits those unprepared to trek into the wilderness that is real life. That’s why equipping thick socks that only a grandma would wear with a pair of open sandals that your grandpa wears is essential to survival. Bonus points if you combine the footwear with green shorts.
A flowing cape is a great way to accessorize yourself without spending all that money you didn’t earn. Search Ebay for failed magician capes from the 80s. You’ll find a vast selection to meet your pathetic needs. Next, apply the cape to your hairy backside. Hopefully the one acquired is reversible, allowing for quick escapes after confusing bullies.
The frosty bits of cold will shudder at your XXXL flame shirt, and so will normal people. All shirts must be at least three times bigger than your normal size. Sweat stains will take longer to show, and your funk will be hidden behind a wall of cotton for even longer.
Axe Body Spray
Speaking of smells, Axe Body Spray is the best at covering up your pungent order. Who has time for a shower when there are weapons to max out? Casuals, that’s who. The same people who don’t have the smell of virtual victory on them. Those that aren’t you.
To accentuate your flavor, make sure to nab the correct Axe sent. Usually, if the smell is tart, then it will hide your underarm better. When spraying, make sure to hold down the tab for at least a full five minutes. When your noise hairs are burnt away, that’s when you know its enough.