XCOM: Enemy Unknown Review

The only CON going on here is that I can’t get my money back.  

Hiding behind copious amounts of cover. Shooting from that cover. Explosions. Reloading. Alien killing.

In-game screenshot. Look at those revolutionary graphics.


Sounds like Gears Of War, right? Wrong, according to the the guys at Firaxis Games, published by the guys at 2K Games. It’s XCOM: Enemy Unknown, an obvious copy of Epic Games’ masterpiece.

The only thing that sets XCOM slightly apart is the turn-based nature of the combat system. Instead of gleefully stomping around a colorless linear corridor, movement is done by selecting areas on a grid and waiting for enemies to drop in sight. Why can’t we just shoot them in a third or first person aiming view?

Those horrible design choices make for a dull experience. Most of the gameplay is spent carefully inching your way up the war-torn, big-eyed alien filled areas as you sometimes roadie run to the next spot. Of course, doing so allows them to shoot at you while you can’t shoot back. That’s not strategic. Yelling at the 14-year-old co-op buddy who randomly joined your GOW3 match to lay down inaccurate suppressing fire is strategic.

Don’t bother getting attached to your bulky, Cole Train-looking soldiers. There’s no respawn, so when one of your characters dies, they die for real. If I wanted real life dying, I’d shoot myself in the face. That’s not fun. Neither is this game.

Outside of the fighting, things get even more yawn-inducing. You get to upgrade your characters for shit they should already have. A scope? That comes with nearly every weapon in the Call Of Duty games. Are you telling me these guys can’t make scopes in the future, but in modern combat, it’s everywhere?

Interest killed.

Different countries beg you to save them, but most are useless since they wuss out of the project anyway. If a country gets too panicked, they withdrawn funding from the project that’s saving their ass. Oh man, aliens are  zombifying our people, what should we do? I dunno, maybe, not support the people enduring the most boring combat since every RPG game ever?

Easily the worst game ever made on the PC that kinda looks like GOW.

Satirical, etc. If you don’t buy this game, I’ll lop off your vital reproductive organs. 


    1. I make fun of XCOM because I love it. That’s why this article is satirical. The only true problem with this game is that I suck really badly at it and almost every country is spun into panic right now.


  1. This is the worst review I have ever read about a game. Lucky for you there are people willing to throw away money an hire bad commentator like yourself.
    Just because you don’t know how to play a game, does not mean that the game is bad. I have played games that I don’t like, like Borelands 2, but does not mean that the game is bad, is just that I don’t enjoy that style of FPS.
    “Game reviewer” like you are making the gaming business a joke. Yeah! keep pumping games like Call of Duty and destroy when somebody is working our of the box.

  2. I was like WTF about your review until I got to the last line. This is hilarious. Whats funny is what you wrote about the game is absolutely true…just from a certain point of view. I found your site because I was looking through X Com reviews. Keep up the good work.

  3. Hook, line and sinker. I found your site through, with your promising heading “looking for funny gamer writers.” I read this and nearly boiled over. I haven’t even played the full game but loved the demo and know I’d enjoy the full thing even more. This has made the itch of not owning X COM even harder to scratch. Really great review. You’ve made me feel like a fool and your biggest fan in the space of five minutes. Congratulations.

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